< link rel="DCTERMS.replaces" href="http://trappedcivilservant.blogspot.com" > Aginoth's Retirement Ramblings: Defined by Cows

Monday, January 22, 2007

Defined by Cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

ANARCHISM You ask the two cows if the want to donate their milk to he welfare of the individual

ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM. You ask the cow if they want to donate their milk to the collective welkfare of the individual

MEDIEVAL PRE-INDUSTRIALIST. You build a big tower to store your two cows while you go off raiding your neighbours cow towers for his cows.

ANCIENT ROMAN ECONOMY. You gather an army to kill any neighbours who might want to steal your cows

ANCIENT GREEK ECONOMY.You send your cowhearders to attack your neighbours two cows in case they might produce more milk than yours, look prettier or think of themselves as being better.

ANCIENT NEAR EASTERN ECONONMY. Oh sacred cow, bless us with your divine drink . Please wait while my scribe counts your numbers several times, records every utterance you moo and attempts to press your wisdom into lumps of clay.

RENAISSANCE ITALIAN ECONOMY. Murder the least reliable one of your cows, pay one of your friends cows to join your one, Ship the dead cow to replace the one missing from your friend. Then, while he's wondering how his cow died, poison the surviver.

ANCIENT IRISH ECONOMY. b**ger building a tower, lets go steal their cows while their out stealing ours.

ANCIENT WELSH ECONOMY Oi, that cowhearder is eyeing your cow up

EARLY VICTORIAN IRISH ECONOMY. Swap you two cows for a bag of potatoes?

EARLY VICTORIAN ECONOMY. Two cows has a economic happness factor eaqual to 15.6 on the Bentham scale.

VEGAN ECONOMY: you eat the grass and the cows starve to death!

ISLAMIC ECONOMY Since the cows are female, you must milk your cow from in front of a veil as seeing a milk nipple will force you to commit indecent acts with your cow.

TALIBAN ECONOMY. Decides the cow is an idol of hindi religion and blows them up

RE-ENACTMENT SOCIETY You have one cow. You would buy another but you can't find one that is authentic for your period. The biggest drain on your economy is running a vehicle to transport the cow to events.

WEB ECONOMY: Your two cows have starved to death while you were reading this thread.

SAXON ECONOMY- You have 2 cows. You drive them to the top of a hill and the Normans have a barbecue.

POST-CONQUEST WELSH ECONOMY- You have 2 cows. Sell the cows to the English, steal them back but get taxed by the English for the money you made.

HIGHLAND SCOTTISH ECONOMY- You have two cows. Your landlord burns your cows and replaces you with his own cows.

PRE-INDEPENDENCE AMERICAN ECONOMY- You have 2 cows. Britain demands one cow in taxes. You throw the remaining cow in to Boston harbour and shoot anyone who wears red.

Belief in the New Economies

CALVINISM: You can only milk the cows whilst standing in freezing cold water and reciting psalms in case milking the cows starts to seem like fun.

CATHOLICISM: You are guilty for not milking the cows. So you milk them and feel guilty for milking them

METHODISM: You are forbidden to milk cows

MORMONISM: You go door-to-door asking if someone will milk your cows. You must milk both cows together.

PAGANISM: You scarifice the cow

NEO-PAGANISM: You wait until the Christian has milked the cow then say that it was your hard work

AETHEISM: There are no Cows

ANGLICANISM: You are allowed to milk cows. But only within the bounds of marriage.

Please read the book on the five steps to milking cows.

GNOSTICISM Cows are creatures of satan. Milk is the drink of satan
Only through starvation will you see beyond the physical realm

Do you want them Medium or Rare, with pepper or brandy sauce ?

The cows tremble with fear realising they are no longer part of the herd.

JUDAISM: I'll just sit here in the cold, dark cowshed and milk these cows by myself.

EARLY JUDAISM Don't worry about milking the cows, God will provide

LATER JUDAEISM, They may not be our cows, but God gave us the field.

SOLIPCISM I don't know if the cows are really there, only that I can think about cows


BIG ISSUEISM Buy a copy of cow monthly Guv'nor ?

EASTERN ORTHODOX There are two cows, but share the essense of the One Cow

BLAIRISM There is only one issue -Cows cows & more cows

THATCHERISM Cows, cows & more cows

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Blogger craziequeen said...

Good stuff......I like Eastern Orthodox :-)

But gee, when you said you had posted to your blog, I thought you meant something 'real' :-)


Monday, January 22, 2007 7:50:00 pm  
Anonymous Dave said...

I really tried to read it all but I had to give up at about Paganism!

Welcome back by the way! Oh and I'm with the Welsh?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 11:10:00 am  
Blogger Carmi said...

Is there any wonder why cows have always been my favorite animal. I love this list. My face hurts from smiling.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:10:00 am  
Blogger justajob said...

You have a thing about cows; are you sure you're not Welsh?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 11:48:00 pm  
Blogger Mitch McDad said...

This is great. just found your blog. Pretty cool.

Friday, February 02, 2007 11:58:00 pm  
Blogger rashbre said...

very amusing! Made me chuckle!

Sunday, February 04, 2007 10:27:00 pm  

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